Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 23, 2009

Treadmill Tuesday

Introducing Treadmill Tuesday. Pretty self-explanatory. Watch it now. Thank me later.

Skip to :45 if you have ADD.

VERDICT:
this almost looks staged, but the dancing before he falls makes it worth it. touche on the spin and recovery

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Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 23, 2009

“Quit cigs and start the smarts”

NOT SMART(IES): DOCTORS WARN OF DANGERS IN KIDS ‘SMOKING’ SUGARY CANDIES

First of all FOXnews.com, thats the gayest headline I’ve ever read. NOT SMART(IES)?? Really FOXnews? My high school journalism teacher would’ve put the kabosh on that ASAP. On the bright side, I think thats the first time I’ve ever successfully used the word kabosh in a sentence, so I got that going for me.

Secondly, this is just fucking ridiculous. To begin with, smarties are delicious, and smoking them is a total waste. And I don’t care how old you are, pretending to smoke something is lame as shit. If you want to be a badass 10-year old, beat up a 12-year old or smoke an actual joint or something.. Don’t tell me you’re smoking smarties until you buy some Zig Zags, roll the smarties up and spark that shit up.

Health experts are warning that kids who smoke smarties could lead to smoker’s cough, infections, or even maggots living inside of your nose feeding off the candy dust. I don’t know about you, but if someone told me I had to choose between heart disease from cigarettes or maggots living in my nose from smarties, I would have a tough decision to make.

VERDICT:
how bored could a little kid be to start blazin’ smarties? this is completely effing retarded

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 23, 2009

Dolla dolla bill ya’ll

DOG EATS $400, BUT WOMAN RECOVERS SOME OF IT

dog-shit

Kelley Davis, a woman in North Carolina, had an extra $400 laying around that she was going to deposit, when she realized it was missing. This Junior Detective realized her dog ate it when she took the dog for a walk and he shitted out parts of 3 $100 bills, and 5 $20 bills. The article says, “She washed them with a garden hose and hopes to find enough pieces to exchange them for cash.”

Who the hell is going to give this woman clean, new cash for ripped up, digested, poop-covered cash? I am very anxious to know. I know a lot of banks are in the shitter, but they have to draw the line somewhere. (BA-DUM-CH!!)

In other news, Kelley Davis beat the shit out of her dog the other day.

VERDICT:
is 400 bucks really worth digging through dog shit for? (checks bank account and wallet.) on second thought, maybe it is. touche kelley davis

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 23, 2009

Welcum to the future

PLAYBOY POSTS UNEDITED BACK ISSUES ONLINE, FOR FREE

jetsons

When Prince said he wanted to party like its 1999, I can only assume he had some big expectations for the future. His idea of the future probably included daily public orgies or everyone having their own pony or something, but thats neither here nor there. The bottom line is even a full decade after Prince’s ideal futuristic date to party, the future still blows.

Seriously, its 2009 by now, and what do we have to show for it? Sure iPods and wireless internet and Wikipedia are pretty cool, but anyone who tells you they thought 2009 would be like this is full of shit. Where are the flying cars? Why can’t we read minds yet? Why don’t we live on the moon?

Well maybe if you took your head out of your ass and stopped asking those stupid fucking questions, you’d see the future is here, and its being brought to you by Playboy. Because Playboy recently made over 50 old issues of their magazine available to view online, word by word, page by page, titty by titty, for the low, low price of FREE.

So not only can you witness firsthand the evolution of the female bush over the last half-decade, and not only can you spank it to the same pictures your forefathers spanked it to, but you can do it all for FREE!!! Thats what the fuck I’m talking about.

On behalf of Playboy, and in honor of all of the naked women you can eye-fuck who are either dead or old as dirt by now, welcum to the future.

VERDICT:
awesome. keep your fingers crossed on flying cars next

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 23, 2009

Webcam Friday on Monday

I know what you’re thinking. Webcam Friday on a Monday? Thats just fucking crazy! Well guess what? Its about to happen. And I think once you see this video, you’ll thank your lucky stars this sexpot hit record and let it rip. The sound at the end is fucked up, but if that bothers you, you’re focusing on all the wrong things.

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 20, 2009

Whoever smelt it, dealt it

STUDENT, 15, SUSPENDED FOR PASSING GAS

love-fart

Suspended for farting? Sounds like this kid was just following the example of his hero, LeBron James.

A Polk County teenage student has been suspended from school because he intentionally passed gas, according to school officials….School officials said the teen repeatedly passed gas to make other children laugh. They said the smell also made it difficult to breathe.

Though in all seriousness, I once had a roommate who hands-down had the worst smelling farts I’ve ever encountered. And it wasn’t like once-in-a-while-after-too-many-buffalo-wings that they would really stink. This kid consistently ripped the wettest, nastiest, most toxic farts to ever offend my olfactories. And I fucking hated him for it.

The living room always smelled like an overwhelming mixture of Febreze and a garbage can full of dirty diapers. And not a little garbage can, like you might have in your bathroom or under your desk. I mean a big ass industrial-sized metal garbage can, like where Oscar the Grouch lives. Imagine one of those fuckers full of moldy, shit-filled diapers, spray a little Febreze on there, and welcome yourself to my old living room.

By the end of the year, our couch was unsittable and we all just stayed in our rooms. So if this 15-year old’s farts are anything like my old roommate’s, I say lock him up and home-school him. And when he’s locked in his room sulking, light that little shit (pun intended) on fire. His friends and the ozone will eventually thank you, guaranteed.

VERDICT:
suspended for farting? really? was he trying to light them on fire? retarded

From fuckmylife.com

-Today, I was nude modeling for the first time for a life art class. The only criteria for the class was that I not move at all while being observed. After a few seconds I noticed a really hot girl drawing me. I got a hard on. Fuck my life.

-Today, I asked my boyfriend while he was eating potato chips if he wanted to eat me. He looked at the potato chips, he looked at me and said “Unless your vagina turns into a potato chip, I’d rather eat these.” Fuck my life.

-Today, the phone kept ringing but there was only silence on the other line. The third time I yelled, “What the fuck is your fucking problem asshole!? Get a fucking life shithead!” and hung up. Then the pastor’s wife called and explained that she mistakingly set her phone on mute. Fuck my life.

-Today, I was on a webcam with my friend. We were joking around so i stood up and flashed her. Her grandma choose that second to walk past and look at the screen. Her grandma now thinks were lesbians and that i’m a whore. Fuck my life.

-Today, me and my boyfriend came back to my house after a night on the town. Thinking the house was empty, we proceeded to have sex. Just as it was getting good my phone rings. It was a text from my mom, “Quiet down. Even your father can tell your faking.” Fuck my life.

-Today, I had a gymnastics meet. I thought I was done with my period, but when I was up on the beam warming up my routine, one of my coaches called me down and told me that I apparently wasn’t. My coach goes around asking my teammates moms if they had any pads. My dad caught this all on tape. Fuck my life.

-Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she started moaning and breathing heavily. I thought she was getting hot and was about to cum. Unfortunetly, she soon said, “I’m bored, let’s play a board game.” She was sighing, not moaning. Fuck my life.

-Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying “U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo”. Fuck my life.

-Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediatly ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said “Bermuda, 1989”. They’ve told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I’ve seen my own conception. Fuck my life.

-Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn’t able to control it. I farted right into her nose. Fuck my life.

PORN STING GOES TO THE DOGS: ATTEMPT TO ENSNARE BOYFRIEND COMES BACK TO BITE INDIANA WOMAN

She likes it ruff.

She likes it ruff.

Michelle Owen, a bright, well-respected, and very classy 24-year old young woman from Indiana, was concerned that her ex-boyfriend was using her computer to look at kiddie porn. So she did what any bright, well-respected, classy young woman would do, and had local police search the computer for anything illegal. Unfortunately, Ms. Owen forget she had left videos of her getting freaky-deeky with her dog, Toby, in the recycle bin of the computer. The police report gets nice and graphic if you want hilarious details.

This bright, well-respected, classy lady was then arrested on 2 counts of beastiality. On a side note, the article spells it BESTiality. As in the BEST kind of iality there is.

The article also stated, “Cops believe that the dog in question, Toby, is a beagle.” Too bad it wasn’t a cocker spaniel. Get it? COCKer spaniel? That just happened.

VERDICT:
michelle owen, you are a crazy whore. and a stupid retard. empty the recycle bin next time like the rest of us

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 18, 2009

Mom of the year…or creepiest woman alive?

‘WILL ANYONE SLEEP WITH MY DOWN’S SYNDROME SON?’ MOTHER MAKES APPEAL FOR A LOVER FOR 21-YEAR-OLD OTTO

FYI, Otto is on the right.

FYI, Otto is on the left.

Wowzas. Where do I start with this one? Here are some highlights from the article, with a few thoughts.

– I would have no problem paying for Otto to go to Amsterdam to visit a brothel if that’s what he wanted.

Niiiice.

– He says his ideal woman is television and radio presenter Fearne Cotton.

I don’t know what the hell Fearne is from, but touche, Otto. Aim for the stars and you’ll hit the moon, I always say.

I’m on a mission to find a girlfriend. My reason is I want to have sex. I’m looking for girlfriends everywhere.

Get in line, Otto.

Recalling previous encounters, he added: ‘There was Jackie – she was a sexy bird, she was gorgeous. She gave me four kisses. Then there was Sarah. We had a crazy snog together. It was a few months ago. I’m still waiting for her to call me back.”

4 kisses AND a snog? Giggity.

Miss Baxter would be ‘delighted’ if Otto brought a woman back to their house for sex.

Again, no comment. This is getting weird.

VERDICT:
is it a direct flight to hell if i call this story retarded?

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 18, 2009

Wednesday Band of the Week

If you don't like Mission Hill, you're on his side.

If you don't like Mission Hill, you're on his side.

Hump Day brings yet another very special edition of the Wednesday Band of the Week. And for an unprecedented fourth week in a row, our Wednesday Band of the Week is Mission Hill. Congratulations to them. Check ’em out, or else choke on a dick.

CLICK IT, OR TICKET

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 18, 2009

A-nough with A-Rod

"What the fuck is wrong with me?!?"

"What the fuck is wrong with me?!?"

About a month ago, I wrote about how Dwyane Wade looks like a fucking idiot. Specifically, during NBA All-Star Weekend, he was wearing a bow-tie and retarded plastic glasses, along with his patented band-aid on his face thing. Since that post on February 16th, Dwyane Wade has averaged almost 36 points/game, 10 assists/game, and 3 steals/game, re-affirming my belief in him in the process. In other words, he has been a fucking beast. Clearly he read what I had to say about him, and wanted to restore the pride I, as a skinny white kid, will have when I wear his jersey this summer. Well, mission accomplished Dwyane. Cheers to you. Keep it up and stop wearing fucking bow ties.

Alex Rodriguez has recently joined Dwyane Wade on the fucking-fuck-I’ve-had-enough-of-this-shit list for athletes I like, so I think its about time I called him out on here, and hopefully motivate him to change his ways like I did for D-Wade.

I’ve always tried to be a big supporter of you A-Rod, but these pictures that have recently been released of you is the last straw. You spend god knows how much money for an entire posse of PR people and advisors, and they tell you to take pictures laying on a bare mattress, with your wife beater rolled up, looking like you’re ready to take a 6-roper on the face!?? Goddamit, who the fuck signed off on that idea?? These fuckers need to be fired ASAP, and I have taken it upon myself to lay out some simple ground rules for the future.

A. Stop banging chicks with 6-packs. I don’t care if Madonna’s choch tastes like a butterscotch krimpet. Just keep it on the down-low.
B. Don’t let that weird looking guy from Letterman rub lotion on you.
C. Don’t wear purple chap stick in the playoffs, ESPECIALLY against Boston. Its very hard to cheer for you when you look like you just sucked off Barney.
D. Wear cooler batting gloves, not those ridiculous Mickey Mouse hands.
E. Don’t dress like you’re guest-hosting Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
F. Charge the fucking mound every once in a while.
G. Don’t ever, ever, under any imaginable circumstance, EVER do this again. Or this. And definitely not this.
H. Definitely no more press conferences.
I. Win a goddamn World Series or 2. Then you can do whatever the shit you want, and nobody will care. I promise. Just try it. Please. For the love of everything holy just try it.

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 16, 2009

Dumbass alert

TEEN HANDS OUT THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS AFTER FINDING DRUG MONEY

businessmoneybriefcase2Some kid in Minnesota found $18,000 in a plastic bag off a highway, and dished out thousands of it to kids on the bus. The bus company called the cops, who took back all of the money.

The kid said he  found the money while walking on a bike path on the way to school. When he showed the cops where he found the money, they found over 4 pounds of pot and some scales in the area. An expert detective said, “This is tied to drugs, obviously.” And that kind of excellent police work is what makes Minnesota the one, the only, North Star State.

I don’t know what they’re teaching in the North Star State, but lesson number one should be if you find $18,000 in a plastic bag and 4 pounds of weed, you shut the fuck up about it. Seriously. Just shut the fuck up. Not a goddamn word.

VERDICT:
18 grand AND a shitload of free weed? oh my god this retard fucked up big time

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 16, 2009

AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

BOY, 3, SPEARED THROUGH TORSO WITH 3-FOOT IRON ROD, LIVER INJURED

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Holy fuck. This is no joke. This 3-year old boy in India fell off of a roof and landed right on this metal rod, which impaled him. I know, I know. Its not everyday you get to see a picture of a little Indian kid IMPALED by a metal rod, so you’re welcome for that.

Doctors removed the rod during a 4-hour operation and said he had lost a lot of blood and suffered some injuries, but “nothing major.”

Nothing major? Are you fucking shitting me? This kid is luckier than that dude on Slumdog Millionaire. How the hell did he  survive this? I’m not saying I wish he hadn’t, but seriously, how the hell does ANYBODY survive this? HE WAS IMPALED BY A FUCKING METAL ROD!!!!!

VERDICT:
when I was a little kid, I cried like a little bitch if i so much as stubbed my toe, and this kid toughed out being impaled by a metal rod!! this is so miraculous its retarded

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 16, 2009

Patrick Chewing

This is just awesome. Viva el Patrick Ewing!

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 16, 2009

She “nose” how to give a great BJ (it will make sense, just read)

DOCTOR HAD ORAL SEX WITH NOSE-JOB PATIENT

Dr.  Marty Mendelsohn, a 40-year old plastic surgeon in Australia, was scheduled to give a nose job to a 22-year old female patient, when she came on to him in a meeting before the surgery and fellated him. And by “fellated him” I mean she blew him. And by “blew him” I mean he fucked her mouth. And by “fucked her mouth” I mean he stuck his dick down her throat. The good doctor is now fighting to keep his medical license.

Doc Mendelsohn “admitted he did not attempt to stop a 22-year-old patient performing oral sex on him.” The article also quotes Doctor Marty as saying, “I think I was probably flattered. I think I possibly welcomed those comments, and I shouldn’t have.”

What the shit doctor!!?? Why the fuck would you ever attempt to stop such a beautiful gift? Did Mozart stop his symphonies? Does god try to stop sunsets? The answer is a resounding NO.

VERDICT:
do we really want to live in a world where you need to defend getting blown by some 22-year old cockfiend? fuck no. you show me someone who disgrees and i’ll show you a fucking retard

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 16, 2009

5 Superhot girls

I know what you’re thinking. Why are these lovely women beat boxing? Is this supposed to be a rap? What the hell is going on here?? The only answer to these questions is, who the shit cares?? These girls could be singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall in pig latin-sign language for all I care. Quickly, rank their hotness from 1-5……..Trick question. Its impossible! Picking a hotter girl from these 5 is like arguing about the chicken and egg. There is no right answer and you could spend years arguing each side. They’re basically just 1a, 1b, 1c, 1d, and 1e, depending on your flavor.

VERDICT:
not retarded at all. this is awesome

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 12, 2009

Webcam Friday

I found this on Tuesday, and have been saving it for this special moment. The moment I’m taking about is Webcam Friday. Just trust me and watch this till the end. Then watch the end over and over again.

VERDICT:
very emotional singing. 3:2 odds this kids grows up gay. not that theres anything wrong with that

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 12, 2009

Role model of the day

NINE KIDS WITH NINE WOMEN LEAVE HENRY BROKE

Travis Henry loves the children.

Travis Henry loves the children.

In this crazy mixed up world we live in, I thank my lucky stars for people like Travis Henry, who show our impressionable youth how to live their lives by truly leading by example.

Mr. Henry is a bonafide master of sexual education, as he reportedly has 9 different children with 9 differen women. In the wise words of the Sugar Hill Gang, “I can bust you out with my super sperm.” Super indeed.

However, now Travis Henry is in a bit of a financial squeeze, to the point that some might characterize him as being broke as a joke. You might be asking yourself how a man who played professional football as recently as 2007 and has such powerful semen could be broke, but then one sees his $170,000 a year tab in child support, and that answer becomes clear.

To help make ends meet, Henry was trafficking a little cocaine on the side, and the government had the audacity to arrest him and place him under house arrest, which is bullshit if you ask me. Whats a little coke trafficking if its for the kids?

So, to summarize, Mr. Henry clearly doesn’t like to wear a raincoat in the shower, but lets be honest, who among us does? And if it results in having enough kids to literally start his own baseball team, so be it….that just makes the family picnics more enjoyable. Going above and beyond to generate some extra income is always admirable and shows not only initiative, but an incredible sense of business acumen. So what if that business acumen is displayed through selling coke and leads to being placed on house arrest? Its the thought that counts. For his determination, iniative, and super sperm, I am proud to salute Travis Henry as our inaugural Role Model of the Day. Mazel Tov, Travis.

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 10, 2009

Wednesday Band of the Week

This week’s band of the week is Mission Hill. Whats that? This is their 3rd time in a row as the Wednesday Band of the Week? My bad, maybe you could pick a different band for your blog, dick.

HOP ON THE BANDWAGON

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 10, 2009

New meaning to cutting down the nets

ITS HIP TO SNIP DURING MARCH MADNESS

This is an actual flyer being handed out in the Austin, Texas area.

This is an actual flyer being handed out in the Austin-area.

Two urology institutes – one in Austin and another in Oregon – are offering the craziest fucking marketing ploy in the history of mankind. They are promoting discounted vasectomies (NOTE: I don’t think I’ve ever had to write the plural of vasectomy before) during March Madness because, as the article so eloquently states, “a vasectomy requires a few days of rest, so what better time to get vasectomy than March Madness, when you have a good excuse to sit on the couch?”

As a bonus, one doctor at the office in Austin goes by the name Richard Chopp. I shit you not. A doctor giving vasectomies is named Dick Chopp.

Now, I’m not going to make any gross jokes about vasectomies, because I’m too mature for that. OK, actually thats not true, I’m definitely immature enough for those kinds of jokes, but thats not the point. The point is, if you’re a guy who’s been considering snipping your shit, I would just think you’d want to do it on your time, not just because of some promotion that will conveniently allow you to watch the Gonzaga game. I’m too ignorant to know the details, and frankly I really don’t want to look them up, but it seems like a vasectomy isn’t exactly like getting your hair cut.

VERDICT:
i tried so hard to think of a dick vitale joke for this, but i just couldn’t do it. something about how vital your dick is or a dick’s vital signs or something like that….its so close. fuck it, i tried

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 10, 2009

Move over Michael Vick

FIGHT CLUB PROBED AT HOME FOR DISABLED

I was going to photoshop a retarded person's face onto a picture from FIght Club, but then my conscience kicked in. Fucking conscience.

I was going to photoshop a retarded person's face onto a picture from Fight Club, but then my conscience kicked in. Fucking conscience. This will have to do.

CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas – Seven employees of a state-run home for the mentally disabled in Texas have been suspended for staging fights between residents who were forced to shove, punch and strike each other, authorities said Tuesday.

Bottom line, making retards fight is a 1-way ticket straight to hell in sweat pants and a hoody. I used to work at a day camp, and we made 7-year old kids fight in the dirt for ice pops and extra swim time. I’m pretty sure this story is worse. Then again I could be wrong about that.

VERDICT:
i hope those cell phone videos make it to youtube

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 10, 2009

You like popsicles?

EX-NJ REP PLEADS NOT-GUILTY IN CHILD PORN CASE

You need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of popsicles.

Thinkin' about that muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news.

I have to admit, I have no idea what a state assemblyman is or does, but Neil Cohen used to be one of them. He was a big pioneer for anti-child porn laws, but is now facing trial for child porn and official misconduct charges. Cohen went so far as to create a phone hotline for people to call to report kiddie porn and other internet crimes.

Yikes. Talk about a fool-proof  plan backfiring. Passing all those laws, this guy probably thought he was invincible, and the last one people would suspect of getting off to the young’n’s. But alas, he’s caught. You could say he got caught with his hands in the cookie jar. And by cookie jar I mean down his pants beating off during recess.

He allegedly told an investigator he had viewed child porn, though it seems like that’s something he really should have just kept to himself.

A judge ruled that while awaiting trial, Cohen is not allowed to “loiter or linger around schools and playgrounds or have unsupervised contact with children under 16.” Is there anything creepier than not legally being allowed to be near a school or playground?

VERDICT:
assemblyman retard is busted! next time try to remember to clear your internet browser’s history when you’re done like the rest of us

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 9, 2009

Retarded kangaroo

MAN BEATS UP ‘KANGAROO JACKIE CHAN’ IN HOUSE

kangaroo-treehugger

Holy shit this is crazy. A kangaroo crashed through the front window’s of some family’s house, and got its ass kicked by the father. The kangaroo started jumping all over shit and fucking shit up. So the guy put the fucker in a headlock, dragged it down the hallway, and tossed it out the front door. The wife said, “At first, he thought it was a lunatic ninja.”

Holy shit what??? A lunatic ninja!?? This guys is BADASS for kicking a kangaroo’s ass, let alone one that was confused for a lunatic ninja. Those things do not look like they are fucking around.

VERDICT:
was this kangaroo retarded? no way they’re supposed to be such pussies

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 8, 2009

Webcam Friday continued

As a follow-up to last week’s Webcam Friday, I have made the executive decision to include this related video, because, well, it is fucking hilarious and this is my motherfucking blog and I can do whatever the shit I want. Including curse as much as I want so fuck you JeffFuckingSpring. Do you know what a shit barometer is? It measures the shit pressure in the air. Eventually your head will implode from all the shit pressure. The winds of shit are coming.

WARNING: This video doesn’t seem like something you want to watch if you’re on shrooms or LSD or something. You seriously might bug out.

VERDICT:
does anyone else really want to smoke with this kid?

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 6, 2009

Everyone poops II

everyone-poops

I truly hope farts never become un-funny to me. They’ve been hilarious since I ripped ass for the first time as a baby, and are just as great, if not better, today. With that, here’s LeBron James showing off his butt thunder.

VERDICT:
first dwight howard talks about taking shits in an interview, now lebron is caught lettin’ it rip on the bench. retarded

the nba. where giant men shitting and farting happens

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 5, 2009

Webcam Friday

Its officially Friday. Which means its time to welcome in the weekend. But the weekend refuses to be welcomed in without another edition of Webcam Friday. Here we have the one and only BeenerKeeKee showin’ off his gangsta. I’m not completely sure what this kid is, but he appears to be some combination of Simon Birch and Benjamin Button.

Don’t fuck with that.

VERDICT:
one of the best lip syncs i’ve ever seen. bravo all around

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 5, 2009

Punk’d gone wrong

I didn’t pick the title of this video. But I did watch it about 15 times in the last 5 minutes.

VERDICT:
tyrone is not fucking around when it comes to fight or flight. at least he recycled

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 5, 2009

Put your money where your mouth is, and your teeth where you money is

TEETH FOUND IN WALLET AT FALMOUTH WAL-MART

tooth_fairy_maleAn unidentified man was wallet shopping at Wal-Mart, when he found 10 human teeth inside a compartment of one of the wallets. He showed a Wal-Mart employee his find before leaving the store without buying anything.

In today’s anal-leakage of an economy, its retards like this guy who don’t recognize a golden opportunity when they see one. Hasn’t he ever heard of the tooth fairy? He should’ve grabbed the teeth, ditched the wallet, ran home and shoved those bicuspids right under his pillow. Let the tooth fairy do her thing, and VOILA! Enough cash money to not have to be wallet-shopping at Wal-Mart.

VERDICT:
1 of the teeth even had a filling! this retard hit the jackpot and didn’t even know it

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 5, 2009

Hostage situation

POLICE CIRCULATE PHOTOGRAPHS OF SURRENDER OF GUNMAN IN THE FEDERAL DISTRICT

So easy, a caveman could do it.

So easy, a caveman could do it.

This article is from Brazil, and was translated – very, very poorly – by Google. I’m not totally sure what the hell happened, but apparently some guy held this 60-year old woman hostage over 42 bucks with a Sega laser gun.

First of all, if I’m ever going to hold someone hostage, I would definitely use the Duck Hunt gun for Nintendo. Maybe one of the shotguns from Big Buck Hunter. But definitely not a weak ass Sega gun.

Secondly, I would make sure my hostage wasn’t so absurdly hideous looking. Brazil may have given us spank-bank mainstays such as Gisele and Adriana Lima, but this missing link might single-handedly tip the whole country’s scales back down to average. Look at that woman! Thats a face only a mother could love….if the mother was Helen Keller. And she is definitely not passing the pencil test (the first one) anytime soon. Would anyone even care if he had shot this wildebeest? As long as it was a closed casket and nobody had to look at that smile again, I say it would be all good.

VERDICT:
how do you get taken hostage with a fucking toy gun? and is that guy holding a turkey baster in the second picture? retardado. (thats how they say retarded in brazil)

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 5, 2009

White men CAN jump

Yes we can!

Yes we can!

White Men Can’t Jump is a great effing movie. You got to see Rosie Perez’s hoodey-hoos, some great basketball action, and a completely racist message that would’ve been more controversial if it wasn’t 100% true. (FACT: Us crackas have never been known for our ups.)

But that all ends now. With today’s shittyass shitnews that A-Rod has a torn labrum in his hip, he could miss 2-3 months if he chooses to have surgery. If this happens, it could potentially give the world a chance to see the Great White Hope himself, Cody Ransom, play third base for the 26-time World Champion New York Yankees and single-handedly shatter the stereotypes that white men cannot jump.

I rest my case.

VERDICT:
retarded that it took barack’s election to finally make these racial barriers come a-tumblin’

Posted by: theworldisretarded | March 4, 2009

Wednesday Band of the Week

Technically its Thursday but whatever fuck you. There were no other bands available that were as good as the winning band from last week, so this week’s Wednesday Band of the Week is Mission Hill again. Yep that just happened.

CLICK THIS, FUCKER

Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 27, 2009

Blow me

CAUGHT IN A VACUUM: JUDGE TO SENTENCE SWAN CREEK TOWNSHIP MAN IN CAR WASH SEX CASE

"Suck me, beautiful."

"Suck me, beautiful."

I am literally speechless after this story. Some dude got caught with his dick in a vacuum (Jason L. Savage to be specific). What the hell are you to supposed to say when someone catches you doing that? You were cleaning your pubes and accidentally sucked up your dong? And how do you explain the blonde wig and sports bra on top of the vacuum? There’s no way out of this one.

I hope no vacuums read that article and want to seek vengeance for their violated comrade, because it lists the guy’s full name AND home address. That could get ugly. Or feel really good. Can’t really decide.

VERDICT:
how you get caught with your dick in a vacuum at a public car wash is just beyond me. you better be 110% sure the place is closed or at least empty. or just buy one of these. only a fucking retard would allow himself to get caught

Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 26, 2009

Webcam Friday

There are so many retards out there who record themselves dancing to and/or singing along to songs and put the video on YouTube for the entire world to see. Usually they look like complete douches, and I can’t think of a better way to welcome the weekend than by viciously mocking these retards here. Without further ado, Webcam Friday presents this chubby loner rocking it to Pink.

fat-girl-dancing

For some reason I can’t embed this video, but I swear on everything holy it is worth watching.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fg3eFuQ169Q&feature=related

VERDICT:
great interpretive dance moves. the stage dive off the bed is legendary

Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 26, 2009

Milk or cream?

TOPLESS CAFE GIVES NEIGHBORS THE JITTERS

Cream and 3 sugars....just right.

Cream and 3 sugars....just right.

Some new coffee place opened up in Maine, and the servers all work topless. Pretty self explanatory.

My only question is, is the jitters another word for boner?

VERDICT:
the only retarded thing about this is that its in maine. these should be one of these in every city and town across the universe. yes the universe. 50 years from now i want topless aliens serving me coffee and bagels

Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 26, 2009

He lost the bet

VIAGRA ORGY MAN COLLAPSES

Don't act like you don't know what these little blue pills are.

Don't act like you don't know what these little blue pills are.

The title says it all. I’m just going to copy and paste the whole article here. No commentary necessary.

A sex-mad Russian died after guzzling a bottle of Viagra pills to keep him going for a 12-hour orgy with two women pals.

The women had bet mechanic Sergey Tuganov £3,000 that he wouldn’t be able to satisfy them both non-stop for the half-day sex marathon.

But minutes after winning the wager, the randy 28-year-old dropped dead with a heart attack, revealed Moscow police.

One of the women, named only as Alina, said: “We called emergency services but it was too late, there was nothing they could do.”

VERDICT:
if you’re gonna die, it might as well be while doing 2 chicks at the same time. cheers to this guy

Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 26, 2009

Brilliant!

UTAH’S 4-DAY WORKWEEK DRAWING ATTENTION


If this catches on, I don’t care who gets the credit. But I had the idea years ago to switch the weekend with the weekdays. So basically you have to work Saturday and Sunday, and maybe Friday if your boss is an asshole, but you get the rest of the week off. This genius platform won me so many class president elections in elementary school I can’t even tell you.

VERDICT:
so what if utah did it for budget reasons, and my motivation was my mono-like laziness and complete disregard for work? the results are the same, and the ends always justify the means (whatever that means). i feel so confident that together, as Americans, united we stand divided we fall, and together we can get this done

Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 26, 2009

1 is the loneliest number

ONE-ARMED TV HOST SCARES KIDS, PARENTS SAY

1-armed-tv-host

Parents in England are bitching that a host of a children’s show only has 1 arm, which is frightening the kids. Part of me wants to just say, “No shit look at that thing. It looks like a shattered bowling pin.” But another part of me wonders if compared to the kid-toucher next to her, the 1-arm deal ain’t no thang. Look at the creepy grin on that guy’s face! Would you leave your kids alone with him?

But another part of me can’t help but blame these whiny, racist British kids. Well, maybe not racist, but whatever racism against handicapped people is called. Regular prejudice doesn’t seem good enough. Whatever that term is, the parents need to tell these kids to buck up and deal with it.

One mother said in an e-mail, “I didn’t want to let my children watch the filler bits on the bedtime hour last night because I know it would have played on my eldest daughter’s mind and possibly caused sleep problems.”

Sleep problems?? I watched Jim Abbott throw a no-hitter with nothing but 1 arm and a table leg, and these kids are scared of some blonde chick with a little nubber!! What kind of little pussy is this lady’s daughter? Fucking sleep problems from watching this show? As our world becomes more and more retarded by the day, we’re just gonna have to get used to this kind of crap.

VERDICT:
that dude definitely owns a van with curtains over the windows and a pony from a merry-go-round in the backseat

Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 26, 2009

Everyone poops

dwighthowardsupermandunk

Dwight Howard can not only dunk from half court like the monsters in Space Jam, but he takes shits just like you and me. His shit is probably bigger than my leg, but its good to know he’s just a regular guy, dropping heat before games. Skip to 20 seconds if you’re really lazy.

Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 25, 2009

Lion mauling

LION MAULS MAN AT WESTERN KANSAS ANIMAL REFUGE

lion-attack

Some dude in Kansas wandered over to a lion cage near the motel he was staying at, and got mauled by a lion. Ignore for a moment that a lion refuge probably should never, ever be anywhere near a motel, and lets focus on what makes this article great. Mostly that mauled is such a great word to describe this kind of thing. In my mind it really implies a complete domination, like an ass raping without the actual ass rape. Painful, degrading, and defenseless is how I want to fuck up a human if I ever die and come back as a lion. I will MAUL a motherfucker.

Somehow the guy survived, but his arm was shredded up like half a string cheese. Sounds like someone should’ve married a puppy.

VERDICT:
the guy survived, but hes not pressing charges. are you fucking kidding me? you survived a lion mauling retard!!! thats a golden ticket if i ever heard of one

Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 25, 2009

Wednesday Band of the Week

Not only did I redo this whole shit and wrote a shitload yesterday, I am now offering the exclusive feature of the Wednesday Band of the Week.

First off is the legendary group from Boston, Mission Hill. As an anonymous source close to the band told me, “If bacon, Jack Bauer, titties, a headies blunt, and the alley-oop all got together and fucked, their baby would be this band.” Touche.

And I’m not some hipster/emo faggot trying to promote underground bands. They’re legit. 2 legit. 2 legit 2 quit.

http://www.myspace.com/missionhillband

Click that shit.

VERDICT:
not retarded. fucking awesome

Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 24, 2009

Enough already

MICHAL PHELPS PULLED FROM CALGARY SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT

The dude won 8 fucking gold medals. I don't even have 8 pairs of matching socks. Cut him some slack.

This dude won 8 fucking gold medals! I don't even have 8 pairs of matching socks. Cut him some slack.

Imagine dropping 230 bucks for tickets to see Michael Phelps speak. Michael Phelps! Great guy. American hero. That Eli-Manning-Kinda-Downe-Syndrome-Face. Should be worth it.

Now imagine you just found out they cancelled Michael Phelps and replaced with him Martin Sheen. And there are no refunds. And just in case you didn’t read it right the first time, its Martin fucking Sheen! Damn that blows.

That just happened at a motivational speaking event in Calgary, though the fact its in Canada makes me really not care.

VERDICT:
enough is enough with michael phelps and the bong pic. are we going backwards in time? its 2thousandfucking9 already, and people are still flipping out about someone in a picture with a bong? speaking of 2009, there is no fucking reason we shouldn’t have flying cars by now too

Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 24, 2009

Ariel was hotter

MERMAID DREAM COMES TRUE THANK TO WETA

 This is real. I'm not that good at PhotoShop.

This is real. I'm not that good at PhotoShop.

Some chick in New Zealand, Nadya Vessey, lost her legs as a young girl, and decided the only logical next step was to become a mermaid. She had a special effects company make her a wetsuit that resembled a mermaid tail, and tested it out in a pool and a harbor. Wow.

The designer of the mermaid get-up said, “What became apparent was that she actually physically wanted to look like a mermaid.”

What also became apparent is that when the girl lost her legs, she also lost her fucking mind.

VERDICT:
ariel the REAL mermaid is one of top 3 hottest cartoons of all time, right behind tess trueheart from dick tracy and jasmine from aladdin. nadya has some stiff competition

With a body like that, you can get past the fish smell. Giggity.

She may have crabs and stink like fish, but with that body who cares? Giggity.

Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 24, 2009

Long-lost twins

A while ago I talked about some of the long-lost twins I took the time to reunite with one another. Here is another one.

The little kid from Fresh Prince and Independence Day, & Michelle Obama

The little kid from Fresh Prince and Independence Day, & Michelle Obama

Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 24, 2009

Marko effing Jaric?

VICTORIA’S SECRET SUPERMODEL ADRIANA LIMA MARRIES MARKO JARIC

adriana-hed

Brazilian smokeshow and Victoria’s Secret model Adriana Lima apparently eloped with her NBA-scrub boyfriend Marko Jaric. According to this article, Lima “tied the knot with her NBA star beau Marko Jaric on Valentine’s Day.” First of all, if Marko Jaric is an NBA star, I am a goddamn astronaut. This season he is averaging exactly 1.9 more points per game than me, which isn’t very many considering I don’t even play in the fucking NBA. And not only does Jaric completely blow, he looks like one of the muppets from Crank Yankers. If his eyes were any closer together he would be a cyclops.

The article also talks about how Lima is a well-known virgin, and was named the “World’s Most Voluptuous Virgin” by GQ. No argument there.

VERDICT:
marko fucking jaric? this is retarded

Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 24, 2009

Nice tits

OBESE MAN HAD TO TAKE RENTAL TRUCK TO GET TO CAYUGA COUNTY COURT

obese-man-in-court

Some fat fuck in New York had to go to court on 24 counts of sale and posession of prescription drug charges. He is literally so fat he had to be brought to court in the back of a UHAUL truck and was arraigned on a loading dock of a post office. Holy fuck you know you’re fat when a judge and cops stand in the snow because your fat ass can’t even fit inside the court room.

There is a $1,000 bail set for this guy, which seems a little ridiculous because I doubt he is going anywhere too quickly. The dude weighs around 700 pounds!!! The only way anyone should weigh 700 pounds is if they are 14 feet tall, or a racehorse.

VERDICT:
yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. ohhhh alright alright.

yo mama so fat she had to be brought to court in the back of a delivery truck….ohhh shit. retarded

Would it be good or bad to have this guy as your cell mate in prison? You're probably stuck with the top bunk, either way. Hopefully he doesn't like cockmeat sandwiches.

Would it be good or bad to have this guy as your cell mate in prison? You're probably stuck with the top bunk, either way. Hopefully he doesn't like cockmeat sandwiches.

Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 24, 2009

Depression gets depressing

JOBLESS EX-CON ASKS FOR MORE PRISON TIME

homeless1

A guy in Taiwan is asking to go back to jail after being free for the past 2 years. He can’t find a job and just wants some regular food. That and he misses getting assraped in the showers.

VERDICT:
you know its bad when you’d rather be in jail than on the street. retarded

Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 24, 2009

Bear Grylls Tuesday RIP

If you're wondering if this is Bear Grylls drinking the blood of a turtle, the answer is yes.

If you're wondering if this is Bear Grylls drinking the blood of a turtle, the answer is yes.

Last week I started Bear Grylls Tuesdays, honoring that crazy asshole from Man vs. Wild. Today should’ve been Bear Grylls Tuesday 2nd Edition, except last night was just a summary episode, and nothing new happened. It was kind of like one of those bullshit Saved by the Bell episodes back in the day that was just all the characters reminiscing and they would just show clips from old episodes and it was fucking bullshit. Well a summary episode of Man vs. Wild is just as much bullshit. You wait, anxiously, seeing what new way Bear will kill a live animal with his bare hands, dominate that little fucker on its own turf, and then eat the fucking shit out of it as its siblings watch in horror from behind a tree. But there was nothing new last night. No new crazy shit. Its bullshit.

VERDICT:
i guess i’m the retard who started writing about a show at the end of the season. whatever fuck you

Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 24, 2009

Tiger attacks

I just spent half an hour doing something I’ve never done before….youtubed “tiger attack.” fucking awesome.

Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 24, 2009

I now pronounce you baby and dog

INDIAN BOY MARRIES DOG TO WARD OFF TIGER ATTACKS

tiger-attack

BHUBANESWAR, India – An infant boy was married off to his neighbors’ dog in eastern India by villagers who said it will stop the groom from being killed by wild animals, officials and witnesses said Wednesday.

Ummmm what the fuck did you just say??

BHUBANESWAR, India – An infant boy was married off to his neighbors’ dog in eastern India by villagers who said it will stop the groom from being killed by wild animals, officials and witnesses said Wednesday.

Right. I thought so.

Some little baby started growing a tooth, which this baby’s tribe thinks is a bad omen and leads to tiger attacks. According to the father, Sanarumala Munda, having the kid marry the dog “will overcome any curse that might fall on the child as well on us.”

After the wedding ceremony, “The villagers then ate a feast with rich food and alcohol to celebrate.” Maybe this was just an excuse to get wasted?

VERDICT:
i guess if this random tribe really believes a teething 1-year-old is prone to tiger attacks, well, who the hell am I to argue? but pops marrying his son away and not getting a dowry out of it is bullshit. he got ripped off. and making the kid marry a neighbor’s dog? retarded.

Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 24, 2009

FUCK that

tumblr sucked. that was a terrible idea. my bad.

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