About a month ago, I wrote about how Dwyane Wade looks like a fucking idiot. Specifically, during NBA All-Star Weekend, he was wearing a bow-tie and retarded plastic glasses, along with his patented band-aid on his face thing. Since that post on February 16th, Dwyane Wade has averaged almost 36 points/game, 10 assists/game, and 3 steals/game, re-affirming my belief in him in the process. In other words, he has been a fucking beast. Clearly he read what I had to say about him, and wanted to restore the pride I, as a skinny white kid, will have when I wear his jersey this summer. Well, mission accomplished Dwyane. Cheers to you. Keep it up and stop wearing fucking bow ties.
Alex Rodriguez has recently joined Dwyane Wade on the fucking-fuck-I’ve-had-enough-of-this-shit list for athletes I like, so I think its about time I called him out on here, and hopefully motivate him to change his ways like I did for D-Wade.
I’ve always tried to be a big supporter of you A-Rod, but these pictures that have recently been released of you is the last straw. You spend god knows how much money for an entire posse of PR people and advisors, and they tell you to take pictures laying on a bare mattress, with your wife beater rolled up, looking like you’re ready to take a 6-roper on the face!?? Goddamit, who the fuck signed off on that idea?? These fuckers need to be fired ASAP, and I have taken it upon myself to lay out some simple ground rules for the future.
A. Stop banging chicks with 6-packs. I don’t care if Madonna’s choch tastes like a butterscotch krimpet. Just keep it on the down-low.
B. Don’t let that weird looking guy from Letterman rub lotion on you.
C. Don’t wear purple chap stick in the playoffs, ESPECIALLY against Boston. Its very hard to cheer for you when you look like you just sucked off Barney.
D. Wear cooler batting gloves, not those ridiculous Mickey Mouse hands.
E. Don’t dress like you’re guest-hosting Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
F. Charge the fucking mound every once in a while.
G. Don’t ever, ever, under any imaginable circumstance, EVER do this again. Or this. And definitely not this.
H. Definitely no more press conferences.
I. Win a goddamn World Series or 2. Then you can do whatever the shit you want, and nobody will care. I promise. Just try it. Please. For the love of everything holy just try it.