Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 16, 2009

Planet of the apes

POLICE: PET CHIMPANZEE, TRAVIS, ATTACKS WOMAN IN STAMFORD

CHIMP RUCKUS

A few weeks ago, I wrote about a story that said baby chimps given human love tested smarter on IQ tests than human babies at the same age. Naturally, I posed the idea that chimps are getting smarter and smarter and are planning a revolution to overtake us humans. Well apparently, the revolution has begun.

A former A-lister chimp known as Travis, who appeared in commercials for Old Navy and Coke as well as on the Maury Povich show (what the fuck??), “mauled a friend of its owner.” The owner was forced to chase Travis with a butcher knife, and when the cops showed up, “the chimp tore off the cruiser’s side mirror and tried to open the door. Police then shot and killed him.”  Tried to open the door?? Are you fucking joking me?? Chimps can open car doors?

Aside from that, the article claims Travis liked to drink wine, water the plants, and watch baseball on TV. Seems like a pretty calm and simple life, until you remember THIS IS A FUCKING MONKEY!! Why would you give a chimp wine? And why would a chimp be watering plants? And how the shit did they know he liked watching baseball? Seriously this is fucking terrifying!!!

VERDICT:
no word on if travis preferred red or white wine, or his feelings on the DH. how do you say retarded in monkey? RIP travis.

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