Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 16, 2009

Bear Grylls Tuesday

If you don’t know, Bear Grylls is the host of Man vs. Wild. He goes to crazy places around the world and shows you how to survive if you were ever stranded in those situations. And best of all, he is fucking nuts. Every episode he gives us at least 2, “Holy-fucking-fuck-I-can’t-believe-he-just-did-that/is-doing-that” moments, and for that, I am starting Bear Grylls Tuesday, where I will honor this crazy motherfucker by highlighting some of the craziest shit he does in the the previous night’s episode. Some evidence of how fucking nuts he is:

I rest my case. Last night he was in Transylvania in Romania.

Bear started out by hanging suspended from a helicopter that rode at least several miles to where he was dropped off. Right away he came across some fresh bear shit on the ground. He picked some whole pieces of fruit out of that shit, rinsed it off a bit, and ATE THE SHIT-COVERED FRUIT RIGHT THEN AND THERE!! He then ate another 3 or 4 pieces before moving on. Next he caught a snail, and tried ripping it out of its shell. I could’ve sworn it made a queef sound as he yanked it. He then smashed the shell against a tree and ate the shit out of the snail…raw. Next he came within about 30 feet of an actual bear, then scared the shit out of me and his cameraman by giving advice of how to run from a bear chasing you. He concluded this by saying, “They kill in 1 swipe,” and swiped his hand across the camera lens. THIS WAS ALL BEFORE THE FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK!!

Next Bear built a trip-wire around his camp site, complete with an impromptu alarm to alert him of any bear attacks. I would never in a billion fucking years be able to build something this sophisticated. First night….I’m dead.

Later Bear said – and this is a direct quote, “There have been an awful lot of times where my life has depended on an ice ax.” Right. Same here, man.

He also caught a fish straight out of a stream with his bare fucking hands!! He ripped the fish’s head off in his mouth, spit it out, then gutted the fish, and ate the shit out of it right there on the spot.

VERDICT:
bear grylls is anything but retarded. whatever the opposite of retard is, thats him.

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