Posted by: theworldisretarded | February 15, 2009

Wow, just….wow

BABY-FACED BOY ALFIE PATTEN IS FATHER AT 13

This family is FUCKED.

This family is FUCKED.

Look at this beautiful family portrait. The oldest sister and younger brother gently and lovingly cradling their beautiful new baby sister, as their proud parents happily watch from the side. Oh wait. Those are the parents? They had sex? And then actually had the baby?? Holy shit this is fucked.

Everything about this story is fucked. The dad, Alfie, looks like he’s about 7, but is apparently 13. His girlfriend (jesus she is ugly) is 15. When asked by a reporter what he would do financially, the kid thoughtfully responded, “What’s financially?” Holy shit. I’ve never been one to give 2 shits about most social issues, but I mean come on, this is just completely retarded.

Most boys at 13 are just starting to realize that it feels good when you rub your boner against your pillow. But this kid took it 1 step further, no actually about 10 steps further, and raw-dogged his hideous looking girlfriend and knocked her up. How many times has he even busted a nut before this? 10? 20? Rule of thumb is at least 100 before shootin’ them down the fallopian tubes. If he really wanted someone to play Madden with that badly, he could’ve just played online. Is he even old enough for Madden?

From the mother’s perspective, she obviously realizes how fugly she is and figured this was probably her best chance at having a baby without turning into the crazy octuplet lady. Seriously, is clear a race? Because this girl is so pale I can see her thinking.

And recently this story got even more fucking retarded. A few days after the news of the birth came out, this story came out that 2 other dudes were claiming they could be the fathers, since they allegedly made sweet teeny bopper love to Casper the ghost, umm I mean Chantelle, the proud new mother. Aside from that, when Alfie’s father made public statements and accepted his “Worst Father EVER” Award, he was wearing a devil mask for some unexplained reason. (Seriously, a devil mask. Read the article.) The article also states that in Chantelle’s house, where she will be staying, are “a total of six children plus the baby — also home to two dogs, a cat and budgerigars.” Which naturally raises the question…..WHAT THE FUCK IS A BUDGERIGAR???

VERDICT:

everything about this is fucking retarded. i’m waiting to hear that this was fake and just a publicity stunt for condoms or something. 7:2 odds that Alfie’s dad actually knocked up the girl and is passing the spotlight on to him to avoid jail time. that would at least explain the devil mask

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