A FEW WEEKS AGO THERE WAS A STORY about a local New Jersey ShopRite that refused to make a custom birthday cake for Heath and Deborah Campbell’s oldest son; an adorable and precocious 3-year old boy, filled with wonder as all bundles of joy this age are. Why would this ShopRite be so cruel, you ask? Oh, maybe because the 3-year old boy’s name is Adolf Hitler….as in the batshit-crazy, Syphillis-wielding, one-nutted German goat-fucker who killed a bazillion people in the 30’s and 40’s. Was Cumbreath McGee not available?
I know what you’re thinking. Maybe his parents just like the name? Maybe its a coincidence or to prove a point? Maybe Chad Ocho Cinco was taken? It doesn’t mean they are legitimately fucking nuts. But wait. Adorable lil’ Adolf has a younger sister named JoyceLynn. And that package of sugar and spice and everything nice was blessed with the middle name Aryan Nation!!! JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell. That should be a fun sweet 16 invitation to send out. At least Adolf Hitler was a name. This little girl represents every white guy in the prison system. While most parents dream of their children becoming world leaders or internationally-renowned doctors, clearly Mr. and Mrs. Campbell had higher hopes for their spawn…..like curb-stomping minorities a la American History X. There is even a third child to these ugly as shit parents, an adorable newborn named Honszlynn, who might actually have the shittiest name of them all.
RECETLY THIS STORY CAME OUT THAT DYFS had taken the 3 adorable Neo-Nazis in training out of their parents’ home, causing some douchebags to question if the parent’s First Amendment rights were being violated. These douchebags are apparently not aware of the statute that eliminates Constitutional Rights for individuals who name their children Adolf Hitler, Aryan Nation, and (worst of all) Honszlynn.
The best part of this story might be that a local Wal-Mart had no problem making the cake. I know its been a while, but would it be possible to fire up the gas chambers one last time for Mr. and Mrs. Campbell?